So I know it's been a long time since I wrote anything in here, but since school has started for me it's been hard not to snap at my friends. They're charming in their own ways and I really appreciate them for sticking by me. But recently, I feel the need to yell at some. That negativity is slow coming back to me. Eating my patience, wanting me to lose my temper at someone. I felt the darkness creep up all the time during my Wednesday class, heads and hands.
Now, my teacher for that class is a hard ass. Only during class. He's pretty okay outside the classroom, but lately he's been picking on me over silly things and it's really grating on my nerves. My pink haired friend seems to enjoy the class. Yes it's fun, but the lecture is a bit long and boring. I have a hard time staying awake. His analogies sometimes makes sense to me....just sometimes. My pink hair friend is just having a blast and learning a lot. I feel I'm learning a lot too. Unless the teacher is wasting my precious drawing time. Then I just get very annoyed because we don't draw much. It's mostly him talking. The point I'm trying to get is that when ever I try to blow off some steam by ranting to her, she kinda just shrugs it off and says she likes the teacher. SHE DOESN'T GET PICKED ON BY THE FUCKING TEACHER!!! I get called out for not having my pencils ready for him to draw with. Oh no how embarrassing and he tells me to not feel bad when I have my head down sharpening my damn charcoal pencils because I'm just tried with this stupidity and nonsense. I tell him I'm just tired. He says that if he knew he wouldn't have given me attitude. Excuse me? Attitude? SO YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE THROUGHOUT CLASS?! Oh my god if I snap one day and set that room on fire, I am not sorry. Oh and recently, during the warm up drawings, he comes and tells me that I shouldn't press my charcoal so hard, to use the side of the charcoal. DO YOU THINK MY SKINNY ASS WILLOW CHARCOAL CAN QUICKLY COVER A LOT OF SPACE IN 2 OR 1 MINUTES LET ALONE 30 SECONDS!? Ok cool you want us to draw smaller. But don't fucking tell me that the purpose of the warm ups were to get the shadow patters memorized and then tell me I'm being too heavy handed!! The fuck you want from me man!
I also realized this all went down hill because if the first assignment. We had to cut out a composition window. I got a C- and asked if I can redo it. You know, a simple no because it's not worth wasting your 3 re-submission on it. No, instead I was told it's not high school and blah blah blah blah blah. I pretty much tuned out after that. I left his desk a bit hurt and I just wanted to leave. And he had the nerve to come and sit at my chair while I'm trying to get my wallet and leave for lunch. No. Fuck you. I already put you on the I don't like you list so don't try to redeem yourself by being nice.
And my friend just doesn't get it because I feel antagonized by my teacher. Yes I know he means well, but I don't like how he goes about it. I can't really do anything about it but suck it up and just go with it...until I crack anyways. She is looks at it too optimistically. Too happy go lucky. SHE HAS FRIGGEN ADHD/ADD. Now I know it's not nice to bring up you're friend's lack of learning abilities, but sometimes, just sometimes, that demon in me just wants to bring it up only to shove her down. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose a friend because of that. It's just stupid. She just doesn't understand my predicament I guess. Or at least let me rant and just listen.
Now just recently, that darkness that was slowly creeping on me is still creeping on me. Because I never wanted to say shut the fuck up angrily at a close friend before. Until Friday. This poor girl has a bad case of OCD, she has anxiety, paranoia, and is terrified of the dark. And sometimes, I just want to lose my shit on her. But again, I value my friendship. She refuses to go to therapy because she was told that only crazy people need it. I'm trying my hardest to hold her hand and help her break out of her shell. To conquer her fear of the dark and being along. She can't even defend herself even though she's taking 3 martial arts classes!!! Then again I was taught some martial arts from my dad.
I rather not isolate myself from friends. I like my friends. I just need a solution.
I'm done. I'm just slightly mentally tired. I just needed to get this off my chest.
