I'm alive still

So apparently the last time I wrote here was about a year about it was about my relationship with this guy that I worked with. Well. Turns out he became my boyfriend on Valentines Day the month after we started hooking up. And we're still together hooray~

My last class was today. I'm hopefully done with school and getting a degree...I'm iffy about my grade in one of my classes.

Anyways, just wanted to put it out there that I'm still around. Just very busy.

Oh and I now work in retail (fuck that shit) and I'm part of the Bay Area Models' Guild! How did I survive two jobs and 4 classes, I will never know....

Relationships

I broke it off with my boyfriend of a year and some months. I felt it was getting dull. I told him what I wanted. What he should do to satisfy me. I stayed with him believing something different would happen. Everything was still the same. I kept thinking, communication, tell him, be honest. I tried. I really did.

A friend of mine got me a job last month. We became coworkers. And then we became pretty close. And then I fell. And fell hard I did. But he is going through some tough times and said he didn't want to drag me into his hell. And I told myself to stay away. To keep away. Just be a fling and go away. I can't. I like him. I want to protect and comfort. I'm past the point of no return until my heart breaks. I tell myself I don't want a relationship. I don't want to be attached or have the drama of being in a relationship.

For now, I'll just settle with this more than friends, but not really a couple. Cuz we sometimes kiss in public.

Besides, school is starting. If he did become my boyfriend, I would end up ignoring him cuz I'd be so busy. No strings, no worries.

Job

I got my first ever paying job. I deliver food. And there's a cute co worker ;A;)/) I'm still being trained and being in the kitchen is still intimidating. Mostly cuz idk all the people lol. Hope it goes well~

Another rant

Some times, I want this punch this particular friend in the face. I like poking fun at her because her reactions are funny. Until she says something I don't like or brings something up I can't for the like of me remember I said.

First scenario, she took a bet that she can't play League of Legends for a month for 20$. She does a fake sob sob wahh kind of thing whenever it's mentioned. I laughed and said she wanted to accept the challenge. Her reply was that she has her priority straight. Ok. I get that she needs money because she doesn't have a job and is doing what she can to get money for food, gas, and paying off the credit card debt. Now the moment she said that she has her priority straight I wanted to punch my first through my laptop so it could collide with her face. Because to me it made it sound like I'm not getting my act together. I'm sorry, but making money isn't my top priority, my education and getting the fuck out of school is. I'm doing whatever it takes for me to graduate and I'm already in debt due to loans.

She doesn't know what the fuck she wants to do and where to go. At the moment she's getting her Associates in Art and Digital Art at a community college. Then what? No clue. Why? She doesn't want a giant debt on her head because private and state college is too expensive. And I don't think she's tried to do FAFSA.

Second scenario, a few months ago I asked her how to paint a nebula and I guess I ended it with basically just slapping paint onto the canvas. I decided to work on that nebula painting, trying to make it a rainbow with an explosion. She's alike oh I thought you didn't want to slap paint onto the canvas.  One, I can't remember saying that, two, shut the hell up. I get it. I probably said I didn't want it to look like I slapped paint onto the canvas. Well I suppose if it's an explosion of color.

Like, wow, when the hell did you get cocky? Just cuz you're getting commissioned from people we both know.

Yes I'm a bitter bitch that wants commissions. But I can't really do commissions because of school so I'm just gonna sit here and do personal work when I can. Ugh I'm so done with this. I just gotta move the fuck out of this state.

Oops

I neglect this blog because I forgot I have it. I suppose I can come here to rant instead of tumblr because sometimes I need to get away from friends that I rant about. I can be cruel in my rants. I should also update my art blog. Hur hur hur....

Losing to darkness

So I know it's been a long time since I wrote anything in here, but since school has started for me it's been hard not to snap at my friends. They're charming in their own ways and I really appreciate them for sticking by me. But recently, I feel the need to yell at some. That negativity is slow coming back to me. Eating my patience, wanting me to lose my temper at someone. I felt the darkness creep up all the time during my Wednesday class, heads and hands.

Now, my teacher for that class is a hard ass. Only during class. He's pretty okay outside the classroom, but lately he's been picking on me over silly things and it's really grating on my nerves. My pink haired friend seems to enjoy the class. Yes it's fun, but the lecture is a bit long and boring. I have a hard time staying awake. His analogies sometimes makes sense to me....just sometimes. My pink hair friend is just having a blast and learning a lot. I feel I'm learning a lot too. Unless the teacher is wasting my precious drawing time. Then I just get very annoyed because we don't draw much. It's mostly him talking. The point I'm trying to get is that when ever I try to blow off some steam by ranting to her, she kinda just shrugs it off and says she likes the teacher. SHE DOESN'T GET PICKED ON BY THE FUCKING TEACHER!!! I get called out for not having my pencils ready for him to draw with. Oh no how embarrassing and he tells me to not feel bad when I have my head down sharpening my damn charcoal pencils because I'm just tried with this stupidity and nonsense. I tell him I'm just tired. He says that if he knew he wouldn't have given me attitude. Excuse me? Attitude? SO YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE THROUGHOUT CLASS?! Oh my god if I snap one day and set that room on fire, I am not sorry. Oh and recently, during the warm up drawings, he comes and tells me that I shouldn't press my charcoal so hard, to use the side of the charcoal. DO YOU THINK MY SKINNY ASS WILLOW CHARCOAL CAN QUICKLY COVER A LOT OF SPACE IN 2 OR 1 MINUTES LET ALONE 30 SECONDS!? Ok cool you want us to draw smaller. But don't fucking tell me that the purpose of the warm ups were to get the shadow patters memorized and then tell me I'm being too heavy handed!! The fuck you want from me man!

I also realized this all went down hill because if the first assignment. We had to cut out a composition window. I got a C- and asked if I can redo it. You know, a simple no because it's not worth wasting your 3 re-submission on it. No, instead I was told it's not high school and blah blah blah blah blah. I pretty much tuned out after that. I left his desk a bit hurt and I just wanted to leave. And he had the nerve to come and sit at my chair while I'm trying to get my wallet and leave for lunch. No. Fuck you. I already put you on the I don't like you list so don't try to redeem yourself by being nice.

And my friend just doesn't get it because I feel antagonized by my teacher. Yes I know he means well, but I don't like how he goes about it. I can't really do anything about it but suck it up and just go with it...until I crack anyways. She is looks at it too optimistically. Too happy go lucky. SHE HAS FRIGGEN ADHD/ADD. Now I know it's not nice to bring up you're friend's lack of learning abilities, but sometimes, just sometimes, that demon in me just wants to bring it up only to shove her down. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to lose a friend because of that. It's just stupid. She just doesn't understand my predicament I guess. Or at least let me rant and just listen.

Now just recently, that darkness that was slowly creeping on me is still creeping on me. Because I never wanted to say shut the fuck up angrily at a close friend before. Until Friday. This poor girl has a bad case of OCD, she has anxiety, paranoia, and is terrified of the dark. And sometimes, I just want to lose my shit on her. But again, I value my friendship. She refuses to go to therapy because she was told that only crazy people need it. I'm trying my hardest to hold her hand and help her break out of her shell. To conquer her fear of the dark and being along. She can't even defend herself even though she's taking 3 martial arts classes!!! Then again I was taught some martial arts from my dad.

I rather not isolate myself from friends. I like my friends. I just need a solution.

I'm done. I'm just slightly mentally tired. I just needed to get this off my chest.

And so it begins....

You know how the saying, "distance makes the heart grow fonder" or something like that? That doesn't really apply to me if I don't establish a strong bond with someone. Especially in a relationship. I've been talking to my boyfriend less. I don't really know why. Maybe I'm just tired of him cracking jokes all the time. I like a guy who can make me laugh and is fun, but there is a limit for me. He took it a little bit too far when I made a wrong reference to a cartoon and he said he would break up with me. I was a bit upset even though I know he's not that shallow. I don't take any threats to any of my relationships lightly. In the beginning I would have to resist texting him and now I don't really mind. I've been told I'm pretty independent. Maybe I'm getting bored. Maybe it's because I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. I feel like I'm in high school all over again. Get into a relationship, get bored, break up, move on with life. Yet I was complaining in the beginning of summer of wanting a relationship. My friends were nice enough to set me up with people they know. I always had this fear that if I broke up with someone all this friends will be out to get get me because I make myself out to be the bad guy. I sometimes don't know what to do with myself.

But enough of wondering what to do, I need to prep for school because it starts this Thursday~ I'll see my friends less and less and be more active because I'm doing belly dancing and pole dancing! Yes, I am a pole dancer. It's not as easy as it looks! I give mad props to strippers that's for sure.

Anyways, this blog is mainly to get away from everything and serve as a diary of rantings since I don't write in mines anymore. I have all the pages I've written though. Til next time~

Edit: I posted this on my art blog by accident ahaha.